Noodles and company is life
pumpkins age like white people
of all the possible sentences that can be strung together using the english language, this is not one that my brain was prepared to process
Who wouldn’t want to work at Google? The whole HQ looks like an amusement park with FREE food 24/7 & if an employee of Google dies, their spouse will receive half their pay for 10 years as well as stock benefits, and any children will receive $1000 a month till they turn 19. Source
let me tell you a story about the google headquarters
so my uncle works for google and I went down to visit him once and he took my family on a tour of the google headquarters just for fun. there was tons of cool stuff and art and a random jungle themed room and the most crazy ass 360 degree google earth screen thing you ever saw
but you’d kind of expect all that right
but then I started to notice something kind of weird
there was a weird amount of rubber ducks? like. a WEIRD amount of rubber ducks. like typical yellow ones and camo ones and huge pink ones with bows and tiny donalds and pirates of the carribean themed ducks and bejeweled ducks with no explanation on nearly every surface
so i asked my uncle why there were so many ducks and this is what he said:
"google has a suggestion box for employees to use, and one time this guy got hired at google who had previously worked for another company. the other company also had a suggestion box but they never actually listened to any of the suggestions, so the new employee assumed that google would be the same way. so as a joke, he put a suggestion in the box at he google hq that said something along the lines of "great office but needs more rubber ducks." a week later, 5000 rubber ducks arrived in the mail"
google read this guy’s bullshit suggestion about ducks
and actually listened to it
AND ORDERED 5000 RUBBER DUCKS
“I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.”
this quote reads like an excerpt from an 18th century novel and it’s from fucking spongebob
What’s the word for horny but not in a sexual way like I’m horny for Halloween but I don’t wanna fuck a pumpkin you feel
do u mean excited
Fun fact: This is Orlando’s legit impression of Johnny; it wasn’t originally scripted.
new zealand’s finest
My whole life has been a lie
all hail goth moth
I call this Matt Nicholls does America
found the twelve year old
this is almost as fun as ‘find the vegan’
we are not entertainment clowns. we simply eat healthy. go back to burger king.
i found the vegan
if u are scared or worried or stressed please just remember that even if you mess up super badly, doggies on the street will still tug on their owners when u walk by because they wanna say hello to u so badlyThis is legitimately comforting.
you can just tell that Nicki Minaj is the kind of person that when you’re telling a story and everyone else in the group is talking over you, she’s making direct eye contact with you and paying extra attention so that you don’t get discouraged and stop mid-story